4:57am

Which really is 3:57am according to last weeks schedule. We have leaped forward but I have yet to internally. UGH!

Last week was an absolute whirl wind for me and Ean. We found out we were pregnant and miscarried all in about 72 hours. As you all know we have been really trying to start a family so to loose this baby, for whatever reason it was, has been devastating. I have not wanted to discuss it with anyone but I have decided to share it with several people, as it comes up.

Ean and I are so blessed with the support system we have and so to not share it just didn't seem right. I, however, am struggling a lot more than I thought I would. At first I was like, oh cool we're pregnant, oh sad we're not. But I HAVE cried. I have hated, I have questioned, I have blamed. I am in the process of doing it all. Hence the reason I am up at 4:57am doing all of this again. The focus of my being awake this time is financial. No matter how much I try, I am always amazed at how much debt I can get into. It is overwhelming. I MEAN OVERWHELMING! The good news is I can always start a fresh each and every day and I know this. The problem is that satan always bugs me about it in the weeeee hours of the morning. I should be sleeping and getting rest (especially right now) and NNNOOOO, I am up worrying about the thousands I owe Annie and the Table I so long to buy. The house I want some day and whether the PUD will come and turn off the electricity because I am two weeks late....It is amazing to me and yet so disappointing. I am always disappointed in myself. Sometimes the guilt is horrible!

So at any rate, I am writing about all of this right now, to one, write in my blog and two, to lay it all here. Right now, lay it down and be done with it. After all I am only human. I strive to me better and I know I need to continue to discipline myself in this area just so I can exceed.

As for the loss of my baby........

Well, I will try to overcome. Ean and I now know we are fertile. We know we want a family. So I guess it will end up not hurting us in the end. But boy it hurts now!

I don't want to be this strong.....I want to be weak and fragile. I want to be recluse....